


Behind your smile

by Lilith_the_ancient



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Anal Sex, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Child Abuse, M/M, Oral Sex, Rimming, Sirius and Remus live, first time - sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-06
Updated: 2012-05-06
Packaged: 2017-11-04 22:27:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/398888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilith_the_ancient/pseuds/Lilith_the_ancient
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the war Harry seems to deteriorate and get more withdrawn. He is plagued by nightmares and is acting anti-social. Sirius is worried and decides to investigate. When he finds out what Harry's secret is, it shakes him to the core. Harry's subsequent request is even more surprising.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind your smile

The war was over. Voldemort defeated. Sirius had been cleared of all charges, assigned a couple of rooms at Hogwarts and offered a teaching position. Harry had moved in with his godfather. The teachers and students at Hogwarts did all they could to make both their heroes happy. You would think they would be just that: happy. But reality sometimes proves to be more complicated…

 

The nightmares began right after things had calmed down. Sirius would wake up in the middle of the night because of screams in the room next to him. His godson would be sitting straight up in bed, eyes wide open and shaking like a leaf. All the animagus could do was tuck him in again and stay with him until sleep took its toll on the eighteen year old wizard.

 

After all the things they had been through the last couple of years, it was very normal for Harry to have nightmares, but the thing was, the nightmares did not cease or diminish with time, but became more horrid and plagued him more often with each passing month. Sirius was worried, especially because Harry had started to shy away from people. He even neglected his best friends: Ron and Hermione. Concentrating on his studies was one thing, but heading towards complete isolation was something very different. So it was plain to see that it hurt Sirius to have to send away the teens that came knocking on his door. To have to say time and time again: “Harry is away (I don’t know where he is), Harry is already sleeping (or pretending to be), Harry doesn’t feel good (he hasn’t been sleeping well), Harry has locked himself in his room and won’t come out, Harry doesn’t feel like seeing anybody.” Sirius really hated to see the disappointed looks of the people who had supported his godson through thick and thin.

 

The only times he saw Harry smile was when they would talk. Well, he would talk and Harry would listen. He would tell him about James and the pranks they had pulled when they were young and studying at Hogwarts. He had tried once to ask Harry about his youth with the Dursley’s, but the look the young wizard had given him had scared him so much, that he never touched that topic again. Here was hatred in Harry’s eyes. Hatred Sirius had not seen there even when Harry mentioned Voldemort.

 

Seeing his godson turn into a ghost of his former self grieved Sirius like nothing else. He felt like he was failing as a guardian and as a friend, but didn’t know what to do about it. He had tried to ask Remus for advise, but the (reappointed) Defense Against  the Dark Arts teacher had said what everyone else did; that Sirius did all he could and Harry was a teenager who had to go through whatever he was going through right now. That did not reassure the animagus. He was worried that there was something else than the war and Voldermort troubling Harry. He also highly doubted that it was only puberty. His worries were confirmed one week later…

 

 

******

 

 

Sirius laid down the book which he had been reading for the last four hours. Glancing at the clock, he was surprised it was already one am. He had completely lost track of time. Walking to his bedroom he noticed that Hogwarts was very quiet. Well, except for the noises that were coming from Harry’s room. Expecting his godson to have another nightmare, he soundlessly opened the door and peeked inside. He was right. Harry was trashing around on the bed, a troubled expression on his face, whimpering and moaning. Sirius came closer to make out what his godson was mumbling.

 

“No…go away…don’t touch me…please, I’ll behave, I’ll do everything you want…just don’t…don’t hurt me…”

 

The animagus placed his hands on Harry’s shoulders and gently started to shake him awake. The young wizard’s green eyes shot open, but it took a couple of moments before he knew where he was. When the realization dawned, he looked at his godfather, actually seeing him for the first time and started to cry. One after the other heartbreaking sobs wretched itself from Harry’s throat. Sirius wrapped his arms around his trembling godson and held him tight, whispering soothing words into his ear and stroking circles on his back to calm him, feeling completely helpless.

 

This boy had trusted him when no one else had, had listened to his side of the story, even when he thought that Sirius had betrayed his parents, had believed him even when the rest of the world had wished him dead. Even when he was cleared of all charges people still whispered behind his back, but Harry had supported him, saved him from the ghosts of his past in Azkaban, yes, he had even risked his life to save him from Dementors. This boy was the only family he had left and the only person he really loved. He had proven to be so brave and strong, righteous and goodhearted, but now that same boy was broken and sobbing on his shoulder. The worst thing was, Sirius had no idea how to help him.

 

They stayed like this, until Harry fell asleep. The animagus wasn’t able to sleep at all that night.

 

In the morning he tried to confront his godson about the nightmare, asking what it exactly was that he had dreamed about, but Harry said that he did not want to talk about it and left for class.

 

 

******

 

 

The following week the young wizard avoided conversation with everyone, this time including his godfather. He would spend a lot of time in the library or in his room or just walking around Hogwarts’ grounds. So most of the time Sirius had no clue of his godson’s whereabouts or occupation. Until one day after class…

 

He had just finished teaching Transfigurations for the day and was walking through the halls towards his chambers, when he was stopped by Remus.

 

“Padfoot, can I have a word?”

 

“Sure, what’s wrong Moony? You look more disheveled than usual.”

 

Remus chose to ignore the well-intentioned jube, getting down to business immediately. “It’s Harry. There has been a fight between him and Seamus. Harry broke the boy’s nose. Seamus said that it had been his own fault and asked me not to punish Harry for it, but still, it is not like him to fight, especially not with one of his friends. I just thought that you should know this.”

 

Sirius was shocked. The young wizard had only fought a couple of times and only to protect himself or his loved-ones. 

 

“You thought right. Thank you. I’ll try to find out what exactly happened between those two. Do you have any idea where Harry might be now?”

 

“I think he went to his room. He seemed very upset.”

 

Sirius thanked his friend again and, after promising to keep Remus informed, went to the rooms he shared with his godson.

 

Opening Harry’s door, he found the teenager on the bed, sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest, eyes red and swollen from crying.

 

“Harry, are you alright?”

 

Harry looked up, not sure what to say.

 

“I know you had a fight with Seamus. I’m not mad at you or anything, just very worried. Do you care to tell me what happened?” Sirius came to sit on the edge of the bed, facing his godson.

 

“I…well,…I hit Seamus…and I’m sorry, I’m very sorry I did that, I think I broke his nose.”

 

“But why did you do that? Was he harassing you? Did you two have an argument?”

 

“He kissed me,” Harry said quietly, averting his eyes.

 

It had not been what Sirius had expected, but given Seamus’ reputation as a bit of a Hogwarts Casanova, he was not terribly surprised.

 

“And you didn’t like that?” he guessed.

 

“No…yes…I did like it…at first, but then he placed his hand on my…” Harry trailed off and his face turned crimson.

 

“Oh, I understand. He was too eager and were intimidated by his boldness, so you reacted before thinking.” Sirius’ face softened, slightly relieved, and he smiled.

 

“Yes…” There was a long pause, when suddenly the young wizard started to talk rapidly, not really to his godfather, he was not even aware of his presence anymore, but to himself, sorting things out. “It’s not that I don’t like him, I do, but not like that, I’m just not ready for this kind of thing…I think I’ll never be ready. When he touched me I remembered…and I don’t want to remember. They are all the same. All they can talk about is sex, that’s all they think about. They pair up or just use each other…”

 

Sirius was desperately trying to keep track of his godson’s rambling and a dark feeling started  to creep up on him. He was not sure what it meant, like the answer to a puzzle that you know you are about to solve, but just cannot get the last piece to fit.

 

Meanwhile, Harry was still talking.

 

“Ron and Hermione are also together now and want to set me up with someone. I don’t want to. A relationship seems fine…but I just don’t get it. Why are they so obsessed with sex? It’s bad, it’s dirty and it FUCKING HURTS LIKE HELL!” The last sentence he shouted. Then his eyes shot open, realizing what he had said and that his godfather had been listening to it all. He bowed his head and tears started to roll down his cheeks.

 

Sirius’ brain was working overtime. All the bits and pieces suddenly fell into place. The shy, distant behavior, the nightmares, the fight. … _don’t touch me…please, I’ll behave, I’ll do everything you want,…_ _When he touched me I remembered…_ _It’s bad, it’s dirty and it FUCKING HURTS LIKE HELL!_

His eyes grew wide when he finally understood. He felt as if an icy claw wrapped itself around his heart. For a moment he was not able to utter a sound and when he finally could speak, he blurted out his deepest fear, the question that has been plaguing him for some time, without him even knowing:

“Did your uncle sexually abuse you when you were a child?”

 

The question was like a blow in the face for Harry. He averted his face and a sob escaped his chest.

 

Seeing the brave, beautiful boy before him, completely shattered, hit Sirius straight through the heart. He never could have guessed that behind that cheerful, kind face laid such a dark secret. He wanted to say something that would make it all better, but couldn’t find the words.

 

“Oh Harry…” his voice broke and he pulled the green-eyed boy close to him, holding him as tightly as he could, rocking them gently. First Harry flinched and stiffened, but then he relaxed into his godfather’s embrace, letting himself be comforted.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” And Sirius was sorry. Sorry for Harry, that he had to go through that. Sorry that he couldn’t prevent his parents’ death and his own imprisonment. That he had left his godson alone in the hands of those monsters, instead of taking care of him. Sorry that he couldn’t take away those memories or erase the past. Sorry that all he could do now was hold the boy tight and let him cry, muttering apologies.

 

Soon the sobs subsided, only an occasional tear still made it’s way down a pink cheek. Harry had started to talk again, doing his best to explain his feelings.

 

“It’s not really what has happened that worries me, that’s in the past now. It’s been what? Six years now? Since I got aware of my powers he was too scared to touch me. It’s what might not happen in the future that scares me. You see, I’m tired of being alone. I see all those beautiful relationships blossom around me, but when someone gets too close to me, I push him away. I do have urges you know? I’m a healthy teenage boy. There have been boys whom I find attractive. I’m gay. That much I managed to figure out throughout the years.” Harry chuckled, but there was nothing of joy in that laughter. It was chillingly cold and sarcastic.

 

“But when things start to get physical I run away, too scared to get hurt, both mentally and physically, afraid of the pain.”

 

“Oh Harry, Harry” Sirius had started to brush his fingers through his godson’s dark locks.

“It doesn’t have to be like that. In fact, sex can be amazing. When you love someone and trust that person completely and they feel the same way about you it’s so wonderful. It’s like becoming one person with the one you love.”

 

The animagus’ memories took him back to his school years. First tentative touches, first kisses, stolen glances. Oh how he and Remus had loved each other then. Their love-making was like liquid fire, so intense every time. But those things lay in the past now. Bitter-sweet memories, nothing more. Remus was married now to a wonderful woman and he had an adorable baby boy. Their teenage crush had not lasted, but their friendship was rock-solid even now.

 

He wanted so badly for Harry to experience such love. That he would find someone who would love him the way he had loved Remus and the way he loved Harry now.

 

He blinked shaking away the memories and found green eyes looking intensely up at him.

“But that’s just it Sirius. I don’t trust anyone that much, nor do I love anyone so completely. Well, except you that is.” Realizing what he had just said, Harry blushed and averted his gaze.

 

“What is it?”

 

“No, I couldn’t possibly ask that of you.” He blushed even more, burying his face in his godfather’s robes. Sirius would have none of that. He captured the soft chin between his fingers and made Harry look at him, a warm encouraging smile on his face.

 

“Try me.”

 

“I…maybe…Could you show me how it should feel?” Emerald eyes looked pleadingly at him, looking straight into his soul. A million thoughts were racing through Sirius’ mind at that moment. All the con’s and pro’s, but the strongest thought was that he had to make Harry happy, that he had to see that true smile back on his face again, that he would forget, if only for a moment.

 

The words left his lips long before he had the time to really think about the effect they would have:

“Yes, if you really want me to.”

 

The young wizard’s head shot up, surprised, he clearly hadn’t expected that answer.

“Really? I mean I don’t want you doing it out of pity, I really won’t be able to handle that. Why would someone like you want to even touch me anyway?”

 

Now it was Sirius’ time to act surprised.

“Someone like me?”

 

“You know, experienced, handsome, kind, sexy.”

 

‘He thinks I’m sexy?’ The animagus though and then immediately berated himself for his own vanity.

 

“Harry do you ever look in the mirror?” he asked smiling. ‘The boy is so oblivious of how many people worship the ground he walks upon’

 

“Yes, and every time I do, I see some freak with a scar and too much issues.”

 

“Please don’t say such things. You’re not a freak. You’re beautiful, brave, kind and… I love you dearly Harry. You’re the most important person in my life.”

 

There was a pause when both of them were digesting the things that had been said. Then Sirius continued:

“All I ask is that you think about this. It’s a big decision. Take your time and decide if this is really what you want. The last thing on my mind is to rush you into something you’re not ready for.”

 

Harry tried to say something, but Sirius placed two fingers on his lips, silencing his protests.

“Think about it. Whatever you decide is good. Wait at least until tomorrow night, ok? My door is always open, you can always talk to me. Whatever you choose I will be there for you. Now please, try to get some sleep.” He stood up and after placing a soft kiss on Harry’s forehead, made an attempt to leave the room.

 

“Sirius?” The animagus turned around.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Sirius just smiled and closed the door behind him.

 

 

******

 

 

There was a barely audible knock on Sirius’ bedroom door at ten ‘o clock the following evening.

 

“Come in.”

 

The door opened to reveal an awkward looking Harry Potter.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Hi.”

 

“Well?”

 

“Well what?”

 

“Are going to stand on the threshold or will you come in?”

 

“Oh, yeah, right.” Harry forced a smile. “I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

 

Sirius was lying on the bed, his robes tossed over a chair, but still wearing his slacks and a white shirt. He had not slept since he had left Harry’s room the night before, having spent his Sunday lying in his bed thinking. Well, at least when he wasn’t passing up and down the room, controlling the urge to search and kill the Dursleys…with his bare hands, …causing himself to be shipped off to Azkaban again. But no, he knew that would do Harry more harm than good.

 

“No you didn’t. I was just thinking.” He sat up and patted the spot next to him on the bed. Harry gingerly sat down, still a bit unsure of how to behave.

 

“I’ve thought about what you have said, but my decision hasn’t changed. Has yours?”

 

“No it hasn’t.”

 

The young wizard visibly relaxed after those words were spoken, but he still was fidgeting.

 

“Are you nervous?”

 

“Honestly? I’m terrified, but not of you.”

 

“I understand that. That’s why I want you to listen to me very carefully.” He turned his godson towards him and looked him deep in the eyes. “I will rather die than hurt you in any way. I love you and will make sure that it will be good for you. You are in control. All the time. If you say stop, it ends. You understand that?”

 

Harry nodded.

“You set the pace. If you want to kiss and nothing more, even if it takes all night, that’s alright. I will not force you to do anything, but there is one thing I want to ask you.”

 

The young wizard looked questioningly at him.

“I want you to look at me. I want to be sure that it is me you see and not some sort of a memory.’

 

Harry smiled. “I can do that. As a matter of fact, I can’t take my eyes off you, never could.”

Sirius blushed. He was positive that Harry’s hormone induced mood swings would do his head in.

 

They sat in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s company, but the air soon grew full of tension.

 

“Come here.” Sirius propped himself against the headboard and held up his right arm. Harry crawled under it and nestled himself against his godfather’s chest.

 

“I know you’re nervous, but just try to relax a bit, ok?”

The young wizard nodded, but his body was still a bundle of tight muscles.

 

Sirius took his godson’s right hand into his left and started to place soft kisses on each knuckle. Then he turned the hand and kissed the pale wrist. He felt Harry relax under his right arm and sigh softly when he continued the trail of kisses onto the inside of his elbow. His tongue darted out and licked the soft flesh. He lifted his head up and, blowing hot breath on Harry’s neck and ear, whispered:

“I’m going to kiss you now, if that’s alright with you.”

 

His godson turned his face towards him, lips slightly parted in anticipation. Sirius gulped. Those perfect lips just begged to be ravished, but he kept in mind that he had to move slowly. He placed his hands on each side of Harry’s head and more touched than kissed his godson’s upper and then lower lip. Sirius tilted his head slightly to have better access and pressed his lips tight against his godson’s. His tongue darted out and with soft licks asked for permission to enter. Harry parted his lips immediately. The animagus started to tenderly, but thoroughly explore the cavity. Then his tongue returned into his own mouth and he allowed Harry to take control of the kiss. The young wizard was inexperienced, but what he lacked in skill, he more than made up with his enthusiasm. Sirius wasn’t able to suppress a moan from escaping his throat. That seemed to make Harry a bit bolder, because he wrapped his hands around Sirius’ neck and started to make stroking motions over his shoulders and going through his long hair. His hand came to a halt against the ribbon that held his godfather’s hair together. When they broke apart for much needed air, he reached out for it, but then hesitated.

“May I…?”

 

Sirius smiled. “You don’t have to ask…anything. You should do what feels good.”

And so the ribbon landed on the floor and Harry’s fingers entwined in raven coloured locks.

The animagus leaned closer and started to kiss his godson’s face. Placing butterfly kisses on his cheeks, nose, eyelids, and jaw line. His hands found its way under Harry’s t-shirt and started to stroke his back. He felt something that didn’t seem entirely right, but dismissed that thought as foolish. His lips moved lower to kiss and lick his godson’s neck. When he carefully nipped at the skin there, Harry let out a small pleasure noise, the sound making all Sirius’ blood run south.

 

“Yes, let me hear what you like, I want to know you’re enjoying this,” the animagus whispered, his voice sounding more lustful than he had intended. His hands moved to Harry’s chest and he let his fingers slide over hard nipples. The teen arched his back under the ministrations of his skilled hands and shivered.

 

“Harry?”

 

“Hmm?” Green eyes opened and looked drowsily at him.

 

“Do you mind taking off your t-shirt, it would make this easier?”

An emotion flashed over the young wizard’s face, but Sirius couldn’t quite understand what it was. Sadness? But why? He was about to tell Harry he did not have to do it, if he was not ready, but Harry already started to take off his t-shirt with a sigh. He then slowly turned his back towards his godfather.

 

“I guess you were going to see them anyway.”

 

Sirius immediately understood what the teen was talking about, when the t-shirt was removed; tracing his back were five thin, similar looking scars. Judging by how they looked it were belt marks, pretty old ones. Sirius clenched his fists until his knuckles turned white and his nails drew blood when the urge to kill the Dursley’s washed over him again.

 

“They heeled pretty good, but they’re still ugly, but I’ve learned to live with them by now. I suppose I should have asked Pomfrey to heal them before coming to you.” Harry stammered.

 

‘And what about the scars that can not be seen? The ones on your soul. Did you have to learn to live with them as well?’ thought the animagus.

 

He swallowed and leaned forward, placing his chin on Harry’s shoulder.

“You shouldn’t have had them, but they can’t take away your beauty.”

 

“You think I’m beautiful?” the young wizard asked in disbelieve.

 

“Yes, and so are your scars, just because they are a part of you.”

He kissed the shoulder he was leaning on and continued the trail of kisses over his godson’s back. The teen in his arms trembled slightly from all the affection that was bestowed on him.

 

After Harry had turned back to face him and they kissed again, Sirius’ anger had all but vanished, replaced with desire.

 

“I feel slightly overdressed here. Would you mind doing something about it?” Sirius asked playfully. Ha was answered with a brilliant smile. Harry’s trembling fingers started to undo the buttons of his godfather’s shirt. With each button those fingers softly danced over the exposed flesh, sending jolts of pleasure through Sirius’ body, straight to his groin. And when his shirt was removed completely and he felt the sensation of Harry’s body, mouth and hands on him, his body was on fire.

 

It was all just too overwhelming. He had not had this kind of contact for many years. His body screamed for release and he barely could control himself. He was only human after all. Parting from Harry he moved back on the bed, panting like he had just ran a marathon.

 

“Just give me a moment please.”

 

Harry looked him up and down, noticing the bulge in his godfather’s trousers, he smirked.

“Let me take care of that.”

 

Before Sirius could acknowledge what was happening, let alone stop him, Harry moved forward with catlike grace and, placing his hands on the animagus’ thighs, started to place wet kisses on his chest.

It felt good, even amazing, but something was wrong. The touches and kisses felt different somehow. They weren’t inquisitive, hesitant or innocent as before, but more coordinated, experienced. When Harry started to undo his fly, Sirius grabbed his shoulders and pulled him up. His godson looked disheveled and a bit shaken up at him.

 

“What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?” he asked, his voice shaking ever so slightly.

 

‘It’s wrong that you know what you are doing. It’s wrong that you were way too young when you learned it. The way you learned it was wrong,’ but he did not say that. Instead he managed a weak smile. “Nothing.”

 

“Then why won’t you let me take care of you?”

 

“Because it’s not about me right now. It’s about your pleasure tonight. If I allow you to do this, It’ll make me as bad as him.”

 

“That’s not true. I _want_ to do this to you.”

 

“I believe you, but I can’t let you, at least not yet. It’s ok, don’t worry, lay down.”

 

Harry did as he was told and the animagus came to lie next to him. He pulled him close. The two mouths finding each other again and the two bodies becoming a tangle of limbs. Sirius wasn’t sure who had started to thrust his hips and he didn’t really care either, because the friction was wonderful and Harry was emitting the most delightful little noises at each contact.

 

Sensing that his godson wouldn’t last much longer, Sirius broke the kiss and began to move lower. He licked one pink nipple, then he blew some cool air on it, making it harden even more. When he closed his lips around the peak and sucked on it, Harry arched his back and tightened his grip in Sirius’ hair. As Sirius repeated his actions on the other nipple, Harry released his hair, afraid to hurt his godfather, and gripped the sheets instead.

 

Sirius moved even lower, dragging his tongue over Harry’s stomach, while his hands were busy with the fastenings of his godson’s trousers. Having undone them, he pulled the slacks down and off in one swift movement, taking Harry’s underwear with them. Before the young man could comprehend what had happened or react, Sirius took the now exposed erection into his mouth. Harry cried out in pleasure. As Sirius was licking and sucking on his length, the teen was panting and moaning, not able to stop his hips from thrusting up.

 

Because this feeling was nothing he had ever experienced or could have imagined and, well, because he was an eighteen-year old boy, it didn’t take Harry long to find release. As a powerful climax washed over him, his essence spilled deep down his godfather’s throat. As soon as he was able to think straight again, be blushed furiously.

“Oh Merlin, Sirius, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…”  

 

“Why are you sorry?” Sirius looked up at him and made a show of licking his lips clean. “You taste delicious.” He flashed his even more blushing godson a smile and rested his head on the pale stomach. “Besides, that’s normal at your age. You can’t hold on for very long, but you get quick recovery in return.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You can come multiple times in one night,” Sirius explained.

 

“Really?”

 

Sirius smiled and traced his finger lightly over the inside of Harry’s thigh. The teen immediately felt his cock twitch.

 

“Oh.”

 

He pulled Sirius up to face him and wrapped his right leg around his godfather’s pushing their bodies closer, noticing exactly how aroused Sirius really was.

 

“So…and what are we going to do about that?”

 

“That depends. What do you want?”

 

“I’m not sure what I really want. I mean, I don’t know how to ask or what to ask for,” confessed Harry. “But what I do know is that I want everything you’re prepared to give. I’m sure you’ll make it feel good, like you’ve already done. I want us to have pleasure. Not just me, but you as well, us.”

 

“You’re asking me to penetrate you, right? To take you?”

Harry seemed a bit uncertain, but he still nodded.

 

“Are you sure? Because we really don’t have to do it, not right away. It’s quite a lot of new experiences for one night. You shouldn’t worry about me. Besides, there are many activities to derive pleasure beside that.”

 

“No, that’s not it. I think I just have to know. I need to know that it can feel good. I don’t want to be afraid to cross that line all my life. I don’t know, do I make any sense?”

 

“You make perfect sense. I understand very well what you want, but you must know that though I’d never cause you pain on purpose, it still might hurt if you’re nervous and won’t relax. I can’t guarantee you’ll enjoy it I’m afraid.”

 

“That doesn’t matter. I will relax, I’ll do anything you ask of me. And besides, I can handle a little pain. It just…it feels so good being with you, you know, I don’t want it to end yet.” He blushed.

 

Sirius’ face softened even more and he immediately forgot all the arguments against this act that were racing through his head just a second ago. If it would make Harry happy, who was he to complain?

 

He pulled his godson even closer and while kissing him thoroughly, wormed himself out of his trousers, which had started to feel very uncomfortable. When they broke apart, Harry was eyeing him up and down. No one could blame him, for Sirius was indeed, a handsome man. His body had filled out since Azkaban, he had gained more muscles and a tan. His hair was as full and shiny as it had been in his younger years and the spark was back in his eyes. The last mostly due to Harry, who always managed to make him smile. Just seeing the boy grow, mature and become more confident about who he was and where he belonged in life made Sirius happy. He really hoped to make his godson as happy as he made him. The boy, who was almost a man now. The boy, whom he loved more than life itself.

 

At some point the animagus started to feel a bit awkward under his godson’s scrutiny and leaned in to kiss Harry’s inner thigh. Harry whimpered and his erection sprung to attention, but instead of granting it, his godfather moved further down, kissing and nibbling on his inner right thigh, then focusing the attention on the left one. When he reached his groin, he licked the shaft from base to tip and started to suck gently. By that time Harry was reduced to a shivering, sweaty mass, trashing on the bed. Sirius wasn’t able to hold on any longer, definitely not with such an erotic sight before him. So he reached over to the cupboard next to the bed and took out a small jar of Vaseline which he had placed there that afternoon, just in case.

 

He slicked his fingers and while sucking on his godson’s shaft, he started to circle Harry’s entrance. The teen tensed for a moment when one of Sirius’ fingers gently pushed inside, but he then looked at his godfather and reminded himself to relax. That was not really hard to do, because the sight of Sirius sucking him off was arousing as hell.

 

Feeling his godson relax around his finger, the animagus pushed the digit further inside searching his prostate. He crooked his finger a bit and then…bingo. Harry moaned and jerked his hips forward. Instead of continuing his ministrations, Sirius pulled his finger out and removed his mouth from his godson’s weeping erection. But before Harry could protest, he licked over his opening, slightly nudging it with his tongue.

 

“Oh God, Sirius…you can’t…” but Harry’s protests were replaced with loud moans when Sirius pushed his tongue further inside, stretching him. He proceeded to prepare him until Harry was writhing in heat and begging him to take him.

 

Sirius urged his Harry’s legs further apart and very gently slid his aching cock inside the tight heat. But Harry had had enough of the slow and gentle approach and thrust up, burying his godfather’s cock deep inside him. They both gasped and Sirius needed all his control not to come right then. He set up a fast, yet careful rhythm, stroking Harry’s cock in time with his thrusts. It took him just a few thrusts to come, shooting his seed deep inside his lover. Harry followed a second later, tears streaking his cheeks.

 

“Shit! Harry, did I hurt you? I’m so sorry…”

 

“No, no, you didn’t. I don’t know why the hell I’m crying. You must think I’m such an idiot.” He tried to wipe away the tears, but they just kept coming. “I’m just, it’s just, it was amazing.” It was clear that there were just too many emotions coming out at once in 24 hours for Harry to handle. Sirius kissed him and pulled him close, wrapping the blanket around them both.

 

“I love you Sirius. I really do.” Then he blushed crimson, realizing what he had just said.

“I, I shouldn’t have said that.”

 

“Why not? I love you too.”

 

“I meant that I’m in love with you, have been for the last year I think, just never admitted it to myself or to you…until now.” There was a little silence, when Harry quickly added: “But it’s ok if you don’t return those feelings, or if you want to keep this a one-time-thing. I’m not asking anything. I’ve already asked too much of you.”

 

“Silly,” Sirius ran a hand through his godson’s black hair. “I’ve already told you that I love you. How many times do I have to repeat myself? I want to be near you. As your lover or as your friend, whatever you want, as long as I’m with you.”

 

“As my lover would be good,” mumbled Harry as he snuggled closer to Sirius, the fatigue finally catching up to him. “That definitely would be good.” And with that he fell asleep, without any nightmares this time.

**Author's Note:**

> Harry is 18 in this fic, so the explicit sex is not underage, however I decided not to give warnings, because the implied abuse did take place when he was underage. I've tried to handle this topic as sensitive as I could, but I apologise if anyone who is upset after reading this fic. In no way did I want to make light of this subject. My intention was only to show that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.


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